WTF Am I Doing?!
What it really feels like to be at a crossroads. (Robert Frost can suck it.)
Be careful what you wish for, folks. You might actually get it.
This week, after what feels like a year of crappy, cold weather, we got smacked with serious summer-like heat here in the Northeast. My body feels great, my joints are loose, and I can feel my fingers and toes. I love it. But our brand-new-last-year bedroom AC appears to be broken, and there’ve been some sleepless nights (and a very cranky husband).
This week, after getting the news that I was accepted back into graduate school, I excitedly browsed the course catalog and mapped out the classes I wanted to take. But I was also crushed by anxiety and questioning about my choice to do this really hard thing. I mean, I have a pretty great life. I do what I want, when I want. What the hell am I doing?!
Some restless sleep, long walks, and a good, hard therapy session later, I got some clarity. I want to go back to school–I said this last week. I love to learn, and I crave structure and discipline in my life. (Don’t pathologize this. Turns out, I do better with structure, the end.) I have a subject I am interested in diving deeply into, and I am ready for an intellectual challenge. These are all good things.
The thing that was F’ing me up, I realize, is the end game I was after. Or rather, the habitual thinking I had about achievement and measures of achievement. Get the degree, get to the competition, get an A on the test. Basically, I have spent my life collecting achievements. And as I considered this next phase of my life, my automatic achievement brain was kicking in big time! But my middle-aged-lady, slow-down-and-enjoy-the-ride brain wanted to be heard.
Something I didn’t articulate last week that you may as well hear is this: I am going back to school in part because the circumstances of my life brought me to a crossroads where I saw the life that was behind me and the map of the landscape ahead of me. I knew I needed to jump into something deep and meaningful to take me the rest of the way. In other words, I didn’t like the road that the easy life I had built for myself was taking me down.
I don’t have kids, I won’t have grandchildren, my husband is older than me. There is a high likelihood that I will be alone for some portion of my life. Alone in an easy life sounds not just scary but super boring and potentially a big waste of my human resources. Diving into study and toil, to me, is about living big until I’m done. Even if “big” is small in the scheme of things.
Diving into study and toil, to me, is about living big until I’m done. Even if “big” is small in the scheme of things.
Also, in my current situation, I want for little materially. But I am scared about the state of our country, our world. (Who needs stuff when shit’s hitting the fan?) Very often, I want to scream and throw things when I realize how far we have drifted from our “more perfect union.” Going back to get a second master’s (and maybe more…?) to study women and aging and exercise is, in some small way, an act of rebellion against disinformation, fascism, and misogyny. It’s a way of saying to the people who don’t believe what I believe that I am willing to give my most precious resource (my time and effort) to stand up for what I believe in.
Maybe that sounds dramatic, but when I remind myself that these are the reasons I choose to return to a place that makes nearly unreasonable demands on my time, finances, and energy, I feel less anxious and more inspired. Inspired to get to work on living the rest of my life as boldly as I can. Oh, and smashing the patriarchy–preferably with a working AC.
I’m taking Friday off, so you won’t hear from me. Have a great long weekend.
In strength, Elizabeth
